I’ve been getting these weird dizzy spells yesterday and today. All of a sudden my head will feel so light and awful, and it’s like I’m either going to throw up or fall over. If I hadn’t had an MRI a few years ago I’d be worried. I’m sure it’s just my paranoid webMD shadow self kicking in, convincing me I’m going to die unexpectedly from a brain tumor and years from now everyone will assume I died from COVID but my friends and family will know the truth.

I wanted wax to play a round of cards with my parents and me on FaceTime tonight, which I know is not the most thrilling thing in the world—and I know he has a lot of work to do. But he acted like such a little shit about it, all irritated and quiet and pissy. I got so frustrated with him, because I know interactions like that mean a lot to my mom especially, and she just wanted a chance to hang out and feel (kind of) normal again. I miss them both so much. I miss home... even though I know if I was there I’d feel weird about it. Where wax and I are now feels a lot more like home than it used to, but it still won’t ever feel quite right.

 It’s easier than ever to feel boxed in, but I was saying to mom I’ve been maybe more connected recently too, since distance has made me value togetherness so much more. Like hanging in B’s backyard, watching the sunlight on the vines on the side of the house. Or watching the trees dance in the park. The thing I think we all miss the most is that intangible feeling, when everything around you coalesces and suddenly a day’s pieces become a moment of their own. Not a moment you never forget, or a big life-defining moment. Just serenity and a feeling of love and oneness and like you’re right where you should be. Like on our wall: nowhere better than this place.

The challah was pretty alright, by the by.