Nerves

P is staying with us until Saturday. They got top surgery today, and have been pretty lackluster. I remember when I had mine done I felt so full of energy and vital and sparkling. It’s confusing to me that they’re so underwhelmed—I guess it’s the pain meds. My confusion also undoubtedly stems from feeling unprepared: their surgeon didn’t give them drains bc of their BMI, and also did lipo on their underarms, so their recovery so far looks massively different from what I had done. Their left underarm is super bruised and swollen and still bleeding a little, which makes me feel helpless and kind of nervous. They’re taking Vicodin for the pain, and will call the doctor tomorrow to ensure that there’s nothing wrong. It seems like this is pretty par for the course with liposuction, but it’s still pretty gruesome to look at.

I wish they would have told more people that they were doing this, because some of the things that meant the most to me while I was recovering were the letters our friends sent me to the Airbnb in Sunshine. Even looking at them now makes me feel so charged and loved. I’m trying to help P feel that way, to make their recovery sacred and special. But they’re worried, and probably too isolated from the people who know how to make them feel better. Maybe it’d be different if they had closer friends here. Wax and I will just try to do the best we can. He was a champion today, driving us to and from the hospital and waiting (and working!) for hours in the hot car while I waited in the hospital for P. I love him so much.

On a different note entirely, I started using a new hair cream a few days ago, Not Your Mother’s curl cream. It smells like grapes and makes my hair super shiny. I’ve been experimenting with finger twirling for clumps, though it makes my curls have a less organic look.

I’m so sleepy today. At work I couldn’t get anything done—my head felt so foggy and I couldn’t concentrate on anything but my own self hate. I think it’s PMS. I started taking a higher dose of spironolactone and it’s making my skin crazy awful somehow, even though it’s meant to do the opposite. I wish I had more self confidence even when my skin is wrecked. It’s just wild how much my appearance still determines my mood. It’ll maybe be better when I can get my hair done.

Lucinda Williams really is the answer to all of life’s questions. It’s crazy that Car Wheels on a Gravel Road came out in 2006... (edit: Spotify has the 2006 reissue; the album originally came out in 1998!) it has such a timeless sound. But so do all her albums. Right now I’m listening to Happy Woman Blues, which (more or less) sums it up. Even when your life is going alright on the outside things can still feel fucked up and distant and melancholy. My favorite song on this record is probably Sharp Cutting Wings, with Happy Woman Blues and her zydeco style I Think I Lost It coming in second and third.

Two of our friends are out in Colorado right now, self-quarantining and waiting for NY to be a lot less scary. I know we’re lucky to be where we are, and more than anything I’m lucky to have a job, but I still wish I could be somewhere else all the time. I’m scared and I miss my family, but I know I’d be miserable if I was stuck down in New Orleans... even though that’s where my heart lives. 

“Your heart's on fire and your head is reeling
But with the spirit to guide you
And a friend beside you
You know you'll win
If you're only willing.”

I’ve been getting these weird dizzy spells yesterday and today. All of a sudden my head will feel so light and awful, and it’s like I’m either going to throw up or fall over. If I hadn’t had an MRI a few years ago I’d be worried. I’m sure it’s just my paranoid webMD shadow self kicking in, convincing me I’m going to die unexpectedly from a brain tumor and years from now everyone will assume I died from COVID but my friends and family will know the truth.

I wanted wax to play a round of cards with my parents and me on FaceTime tonight, which I know is not the most thrilling thing in the world—and I know he has a lot of work to do. But he acted like such a little shit about it, all irritated and quiet and pissy. I got so frustrated with him, because I know interactions like that mean a lot to my mom especially, and she just wanted a chance to hang out and feel (kind of) normal again. I miss them both so much. I miss home... even though I know if I was there I’d feel weird about it. Where wax and I are now feels a lot more like home than it used to, but it still won’t ever feel quite right.

 It’s easier than ever to feel boxed in, but I was saying to mom I’ve been maybe more connected recently too, since distance has made me value togetherness so much more. Like hanging in B’s backyard, watching the sunlight on the vines on the side of the house. Or watching the trees dance in the park. The thing I think we all miss the most is that intangible feeling, when everything around you coalesces and suddenly a day’s pieces become a moment of their own. Not a moment you never forget, or a big life-defining moment. Just serenity and a feeling of love and oneness and like you’re right where you should be. Like on our wall: nowhere better than this place.

The challah was pretty alright, by the by.

My first post

It’s weird to be back on a blog site. My last experience with this type of thing was tumblr, which I think I stopped using around 2017 or so. Or maybe a better comparison is livejournal, which I haven’t used in probably almost a decade. I think I’d just like a new virtual space for myself to talk about beauty, cooking, crafting, my feelings, life, without needing to perform something or mask my true sentiments. I think I’m usually too judgmental of myself and it’s made me a more masked and Self conscious—and dishonest?—person than I used to be. I want to feel like the truest version of myself again.

Today I made shakshuka and am in the process of making challah. It’s something I’ve done a few times before (challah, not shakshuka—the latter is now of course a staple quarantine recipe) several years ago. Today is my first time using einkorn flour, which has a different gluten structure than the all-purpose blends I’ve used in the past. I tried to take it out of the proofing oven to punch it down, but it hadn’t inflated at all, which makes me a little nervous. I’ll give it some more time. Tori Avey’s recipe is pretty foolproof, so I guess I should have more faith. We’ll see how it goes.